Au Chat Noir!

To the Chat Noir we went today.

I had heard about this bar a few months back when I first arrived. It's known for having an English spoken word event every Monday, sort of like an Open Mic event and I had written a piece, hoping to get a chance to go....

Finally tonight I went. Although I wasn't planning to have such a large group, many of my friends came to support me.

I was honestly so thrilled and excited while simultaneously nervous and shaking.

This was my first time completing a piece and also my first time performing a piece, and the feeling was amazing. And the fact that this first time has taken place in Paris, simply blows my mind.

***
EDIT: 26 November 2012...
I had said that I would post it... and here it is... I'm also including the typed version underneath if you are interested... and of course a pic of folks who came to support :) although we weren't able to take one at the location itself (we forgot)... we did manage to snag a group shot at the metro. <3

Actually... my friend recorded this at a different angle and since I can't rotate the angle without corrupting the video... I will leave it as is... ENJOY!

American Dreams of Homeland

Mama, how much your heart must have broken when I said I hated you.
You.

You.

You… who had given up everything

With only thoughts of us in your head and heart.

Left a country where you had been born, raised, educated,

Arrived in a country where you could not speak the language,

Were forced to become a housekeeper,

Were forced to give up your career,

Were forced to depend on a husband who disrespected you

Were forced into a subservient, minority, role.

In order for your children…

Me.

Me.

Me… who said I hated you.

How much you must have cried when you had to sell those generation-old bracelets given by your mother

When you had to prostitute your pride in order to collect cans and ask for handouts in this new country

Where you were discriminated, mocked, racialized, victimized, silenced.

All in the name of the American Dream.

So that I

I

I

Could be your hope

Could make something better of myself

But mama, I too, have been denied in this new country

I too have been discriminated, mocked, racialized, victimized, silenced.

I never told you when kids picked on me for being a little Chinese girl

For my hair

My nose

My skin

My eyes

My accent

Or for a million other things that boiled down to one thing –

I was not a true typified American in their eyes

It would have broken your heart to know how much I didn’t fit in

To know how much I detested myself because I was so confused, ashamed, embarrassed, angry.

And so I lashed out at you,

You,

You.

Mama, please don’t be upset.

I never hated you.

It was me.

Me

Me

I hated myself.

People speak of the homeland

Of the motherland

Of going to reclaim their roots.

But I have been uprooted

I feel as if I can neither call the US nor Vietnam,

My homeland.

You dream of your homeland, of returning there, and showing me your childhood.

Where you slept, ate, dreamed, loved, and lived.

And I

I

I… did not know this.

Did not understand this.

Could not understand this.

Still do not understand it.

If the homeland is the idea of a place where you grew up and loved and were loved unconditionally

Were accepted unconditionally

Belonged unconditionally

Then I cannot claim any geographic space or any created national boundary.

If I must choose a site

An object

Then I will instead choose a subject

A person

You

You

You, mama

You are my homeland.

I dream of your black hair, button nose, tan skin, brown eyes, and familiar face

Filled with all the opportunity and hope and wishes and love

That the American dream does not carry for me

When people ask where I come from

I shall simply respond that I came from not a place

But a person

You

You

You, mama

You are my homeland.

Copyright 2012. I've never had to say this before, but just in case: This poem herein is a work of my own creation and copyrighted by me and cannot be reprinted or re-represented without my express permission and knowledge. Likewise, all other posts and the ideas contained (unless stated otherwise) are of my own opinions and also require my express permission and knowledge in order to be reprinted or re-represented.